As high school students venturing into our first year of vegetarianism, we were accustomed to the cheap and greasy thrills that could be found in this deal of the century: two tacos for 99 cents! The experience was highly accommodating to our limited net worth. Naturally, the vegetarian lifestyle brought us to question not only our reliance on an altogether harmful factory farming industry, but also our alliance to the harmfully satisfying nourishment provided by these motherfucking tacos! We were prepared to test the will of our palettes by making a few necessary sacrifices for our lifestyle, but god damn, couldn't we just keep our fucking tacos on board with us!?
The substance that constituted for meat these in these affordable, yet tasty delicacies was tan, gooey, and resembled the post-treatment waste residue you might find curing in a sewage treatment plant. Aesthetics phased us not; the cornucopia of flavors emanating from these artery-clogging treats negated this one unfortunate visual gaffe. Irony had its way and soon this visual gaffe was now the key to bringing our most beloved tacos back from exile. This bilious goo bore no resemblance to any sort of meat with origins in a land-based life form! Its origins must surely lie in that wretched, soy-based faux-meat processing plant in Hades. Seriously though, if all the best bands are affiliated with Satan, why couldn't one of the best meals be affiliated with Seitan!?
Well, we were gonna clear this up once and for all! Sure enough, we were going to consult an expert on this one! Our next visit to a nearby Jack In The Box drive-thru prompted us to voice our obviously well-reasoned inquiry at one of the staff's resident nutritionists, otherwise known as the cashier. With no pause for thought, an answer shot back informing us of their bean-based origins. Okay! Sounds good, point taken, and thanks for the extra hot sauce packets!
Wait a minute! That motherfucking nutritionist was a nothing but a god damned Jack In The Box employee! What the fuck do they know? Well, shit. Surely there must be some literature available that could inform us otherwise?
Aha! Why hadn't we thought to look at the damn nutritional brochure made available per request!?
Well, there it was, finally in plain view of our faces. Simple documentation had finally sealed the deal: We could no longer continue to swallow the processed assholes of our unfortunate factory farming casualties, for it did not serve the greater good, and consequently negated the principles behind our vegetarian ideals.
As I was consuming some delicious 99 cent (sans ham, double egg) Breakfast Jacks this morning this coupon presented itself:
(For those curious, this will be going to my father, who happens to be a guru of bargain consciousness.)
Coincidentally, I happened to have just read an appalling account of the various legislative measures being put forth by the so-called "Birther" movement. It can be found here:
Birther debate alive across U.S.
I started to think. What does this all mean? Why has this coupon presented itself after reading an account of one of the most repulsive, and backwards non-issues facing the minds of the public today? Why have I conjured up this specific memory in relation to these two otherwise unrelated things?
C'mon now!
Can a motherfucker ever stop thinking about how good those god damned tacos are!?
"Seriously though, if all the best bands are affiliated with Satan, why couldn't one of the best meals be affiliated with Seitan!?"
ReplyDeleteHaha! You said it, brother!